How to Fix Avoidant Attachment Style and Build Secure Relationships
Do you ever feel smothered when you get close with someone? Or notice you tend to pull back when a relationship starts to get serious? Maybe one of your core values is independence, and you don’t like the feeling of being reliant on another person?
If these ideas are resonating, you might have an avoidant attachment style.
Avoidant attachment isn’t inherently good or bad, and these behaviours usually aren’t a conscious choice; they can develop as ways of protecting ourselves in relationships, often without us realising it. The good news? Simply noticing these patterns is already a meaningful first step towards understanding them. If you’re here looking for clues about your own behaviour and how you might build more comfortable, connected relationships, you’re in the right place. In this article, we’ll explore what avoidant attachment is, some signs you may recognise in yourself, as well as some practical strategies for changing these patterns.
What Is Avoidant Attachment?
Before we go any further, it’s a good idea to plainly answer the question: what is avoidant attachment? Put simply, an avoidant attachment style is a behavioural pattern where closeness or emotional dependence feels uncomfortable or threatening, so independence is sought to cope. This might mean ending relationships prematurely or finding it difficult to take relationships to the next level. Like all attachment styles, avoidant attachment exists on a spectrum, and some people might only display mild signs, while others may be highly avoidant.
If you think you have an avoidant attachment style and you’d like to change, the good news is that you can. Because attachment styles are generally developed from our early childhood, they aren’t fixed and - with the right self-work or therapy for an avoidant attachment style - can be changed. We have a whole article unpacking attachment theory, so if you’d like to learn more about the core attachment styles, it’s well worth a read.
Signs You Have an Avoidant Attachment Style
There are a few indicators you may have an avoidant attachment style. Here are a few signs:
Closeness feels comfortable until it gets serious
Things might feel good at the start of a relationship, but when the weeks turn into months and feelings develop into something deeper or more serious, you begin to feel uncomfortable, and notice a desire to try to end things (even if you really like the person you’ve been seeing).
You need a lot of space — and feel crowded when you don't get it
People with avoidant attachment styles tend to crave space and can feel claustrophobic within relationships. Maybe you enjoy the early dating phase when you still feel a sense of freedom, but any talk of progressing the relationship further (moving in together, sharing a trip away, meeting the parents etc.) can feel threatening and uncomfortable.
Emotional conversations feel draining or pointless
Going emotionally deeper with your partner can leave you feeling drained and deflated. You like to keep things on the fun side, and feel put off when conversations become overly emotional.
You tend to focus on a partner's flaws when things get too close
When you look back at past relationships, you notice that when things started to get more serious and progress, your brain would focus on your partner’s flaws, looking for a reason to exit the relationship.
Independence feels safer than relying on someone else
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you likely feel more at ease operating independently as opposed to relying on someone else; this gives you more control and allows you to keep an emotional distance, which might feel more comfortable initially, but the trade off is not getting to enjoy the upside of establishing deeper interpersonal connections.
Where Avoidant Attachment Comes From
Exactly where an avoidant attachment style originates from will look different for everyone, but there are some common themes. Often, it develops in environments where emotional needs weren’t consistently met. For example, parental figures may have been absent, emotionally unavailable, or simply unable to provide the support a child needed, meaning the individual learned to rely on themselves from an early age. In other cases, self-sufficiency may have been encouraged or rewarded, while seeking comfort or closeness felt less familiar or dependable. For some people, close relationships may also have become associated with disappointment, rejection, or loss.
These experiences don’t mean that anyone is necessarily to blame. Avoidant attachment is better understood as a learned strategy for navigating relationships and protecting yourself emotionally, rather than an inherent character trait. And because these patterns are learned, they can also change. With awareness, support, and a willingness to explore different ways of relating, it’s possible to develop new patterns of connection.
How Avoidant Attachment Affects Relationships
Having an avoidant attachment style can influence how you experience closeness and connection in relationships. You might notice yourself pulling back when a relationship starts to feel more serious, becoming uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, or finding it difficult to fully let another person in. Asking for support can also feel challenging, particularly if relying on someone else brings up fears of becoming dependent or losing your independence.
While these responses can feel protective in the moment, they can sometimes make it harder to build the deep, supportive connection you want. A partner may experience this distance as being shut out or pushed away, which can create a cycle of disconnection over time. For some couples, this can become part of an anxious-avoidant dynamic, where one person seeks greater closeness while the other pulls back. Understanding these patterns can be a helpful first step towards creating relationships that feel safer and more connected for everyone involved.
How to Heal an Avoidant Attachment Style
When it comes to how to fix avoidant attachment, there are a few things we can do to change our behaviour and enjoy more fulfilling relationships. Let’s take a closer look.
Notice when you're pulling away
Those with an avoidant attachment style may find themselves pulling away in automatic ways without fully realising it. A helpful first step is to take note of the moments when you withdraw, think about what triggered the response, and even write it down. Over time, this can help you recognise patterns and become more aware of what causes you to pull away.
Practise staying present in small moments
While it can be tempting to go all in with new ways of approaching relationships, we find slower and steadier is usually a more reliable approach; big vulnerability leaps are rarely useful. With this in mind, begin to make a habit of staying emotionally available to your partner in small, low-stakes ways. Perhaps that’s responding to a text promptly or sharing something from your day you usually would just keep to yourself. These little actions can help lead you towards more meaningful connection down the line.
Examine the stories you tell yourself about needing people
Often, people with avoidant attachment styles develop stories about not needing other people that can become unhelpful over time. The first step is to notice these beliefs and ask yourself whether there is evidence to support them. Where did they come from? Are they based on your past experiences, or might your mind be trying to protect you from getting hurt again? Even if there is some truth behind a belief, it’s worth questioning whether it’s fair to apply it to everyone. Recognising and challenging these patterns can be an important part of healing from an avoidant attachment style.
Communicate your need for space without withdrawing
Know that working your way out of avoidant attachment doesn’t mean never needing space - you can communicate your requirement for space with your partner, rather than just ghosting them without explanation.
Consider working with a counsellor
Because avoidant patterns are deeply ingrained, they can be challenging to stop without some support. With the help of a therapist or relationship counsellor, they can help you identify and better understand the root cause of your attachment style, work on new ways of relating to others and build the capacity for closeness, without losing your sense of self.
Can Avoidant Attachment Style Change?
An avoidant attachment style can change, but it usually takes time, self-awareness, and a commitment to developing new ways of relating to others. You don’t need to change overnight, and progress may happen gradually as you build more comfortable and secure relationship patterns.
If you’d like support along the way, Life Supports can help with avoidant attachment treatment. We’ll listen to your concerns and experiences, then match you with a therapist or counsellor who we believe is best suited to your needs. Call us today on 1300 735 030 or make a confidential online enquiry here.
Mahlia Price
Mahlia is the CEO of Life Supports Counselling and has been advocating within the mental health industry since 2013. With tertiary degrees in Science, Psychology and the Arts from Monash University, she is innately curious about human behaviour, neuroscience and psychology and translating the frontiers of scientific research into real-world business application.
Mahlia has a passion for building socially impactful businesses that help people thrive, and is responsible for leading and developing all aspects of the Life Supports mental health service, vision & purpose.
Recommended Reading
Get help now
Appointments currently available
Open 8am to 8pm weekdays and 9am to 5:30pm weekends
FAQs
There are a few frequently asked questions in the space of avoidant attachment. Here are some of the most common we see at Life Supports.
While introversion is a personality trait - the easiest tell being that you restore your energy by being alone - avoidant attachment is a learned behavioural pattern driven by a resistance to or a fear of becoming emotionally close with another person. Introversion is not something you can necessarily change, while avoidant attachment is something that can be altered over time.
Absolutely. Having an avoidant attachment style doesn’t mean you’re incapable of having a healthy, fulfilling relationship. It simply means you may need to become more aware of certain patterns and work on how you respond to closeness and vulnerability. With self-awareness and a willingness to ‘do the work’, you can build healthier relationship patterns while still maintaining your independence.
There are several types of avoidant attachment treatment, including Schema Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), attachment-based therapy, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). The right approach will depend on your individual needs and circumstances. At Life Supports, we’ll work with you to find both a counsellor and form of therapy that feels right for you.
Avoidant and fearful-avoidant attachment can look similar, but there are some key differences. With avoidant attachment, you may prefer independence and feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. Fearful-avoidant attachment can involve wanting connection while also fearing it, which may lead to a pattern of moving towards someone and then pulling away. If you recognise some of these behaviours in yourself, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have a particular attachment style. A therapist can help you understand your relationship patterns and explore where they may come from.
For more information on attachment theory and avoidant behaviours, read our blog, or chat to our team.