What I've learnt from 24 years as a Counsellor

When I went to school, I wasn’t a very keen student.  Whenever it was a possibility, I would flick to the back of the text book to see if the answers were there.  I didn’t learn anything by doing this but it got the teacher off my back and I could go and do what I wanted.  In presenting everything I know about how people develop and move to fuller and happy lives, I’ve made it easy and put the answer straight up at the front.  If you just want to get straight to how I believe people, relationships and families change just look at this.  If after that you want to dig in deeper you can read on.  No problem if, like me, you want to bypass the complexity and just get straight to the answer. 

Funnily enough, its my belief that if you engage with these ideas and just give it a go, there is no need to read on!

A common negative perception of counselling is that talking about problems won’t fix anything.  I completely align with this concern; unfortunately a lot of counselling isn’t effective and simply doesn’t help.  Having worked in the field for 24 years and having 49 years of lived experience, I believe I have found key elements that are routinely impactful and transformational in addressing and entirely overcoming trauma, psychological, relationship and family problems, addiction and behavioural difficulties as well as problematic inter-generational patterns. These ideas work for children, adolescents, adults, couples and families.

 

So how is it possible that one approach can be transformative across such a wide range of areas?

Well, the answer is simple yet complex at the same time. Our relationship with ourselves, usually without our knowledge, drives everything we think, do and say. Once we make our relationship with ourselves great, we start unknowingly driving function rather than dysfunction. Without even trying, everything quickly and easily transforms. However, without addressing our relationship with ourselves, all the attempts in the world to change will either not work or will be shallow and fleeting (or possibly even make things worse).  This is strongly related to and intertwined with the idea that as adults we become innocent victims of enduring childhood coping mechanisms that served us to the best of their ability when they were needed.  When they persist into adulthood, often to avoid vulnerability, they can cause repetitive rampant problems in people’s lives.

This article outlines what I have found to be truly and deeply transformational and what I share with clients, friends and family who are stuck and looking for change. 

 

On my own personal journey, as well as my training and experience working with counselling clients, I had two pivotal experiences that strongly guided me in understanding transformation and change.  The first one was an unexpected and very under-planned trip to a small village in a developing country.  When I arrived, I saw people who were seemingly facing much greater challenges than us (that is, people living in Australia with their basic needs being met). These were people living in true poverty, in a part of the world where people generally die younger than us, have more health problems, have no running water and a lack of basic sanitation yet they were quite obviously filled with a lot more peace, joy and happiness.  This is an experience echoed by many people who have visited remote villages in developing countries. I told the interpreter what I noticed. I also told him that I work as a counsellor in Australia and that many people in Australia have anxiety and depression and a lot of problems with relationships and their families.  Not only could he not relate to what I was talking about, he did not even have a word for anxiety or depression or a translatable concept.  I became very curious about what was different in that part of the world as it flipped the assumption that we need to fix things or overcome things to be happy and at peace. 

 

Long story to it, but it struck me that the people living in this village did not have Western cultural ideas of who they were meant to be imposed on them, they were highly expressive, were comfortable with their vulnerability and lived in constant close connection with each other.  They seemed to be more authentically who they were and were freed up to more truly be themselves.  At the end of the day, while they clearly faced hardship and many challenges we are not confronted with in the western world, they had happiness in spades.  While this was a staggering experience, it didn’t really give me any way to do things differently.  It’s not that they didn’t have their own culture embedded with norms, ideals and expectations; what it showed me was essentially that our western cultural ideas and practices are not serving us and that the way we are living is making a lot of us very unhappy.

A few years later I attended a silent retreat. The idea of a silent retreat terrified me, but I was open to it.  A summary of what happened was that I saw for the first time how I was with myself. Without the distraction of noise, relationships and routines. Until this time, I had been focused on other people and what had happened to me but how I was with myself had flown entirely beneath my radar of consciousness.  I spent a week getting in touch with how I felt about and treated myself and moved from self-hate to self-love. The whole world seemed to quickly, deeply, joyously and easily transform.   I discovered that all my problems were not caused by what other people had done to me but were being perpetuated by the negative messages I had taken on and now perpetuated all on my own. I was supported to replace self-hate with self-love and everything changed, I felt like I came to life and things were incomparably better.

 

The approach below gets to the heart of how we unknowingly drive and attract our dysfunction. It unlocks the capacity for liberating, peaceful and counterintuitively effortless change.  In some ways, it is really simple and in other ways, like giving up an addiction, it can be incredibly hard. By addressing these factors, the problems people face can resolve and sort themselves out more easily.  Without addressing these, problems and patterns are likely to stay stuck or get worse as people attempt to fix them. 

As well as incorporating my personal and professional experience, this approach incorporates gestalt therapy, somatic experiencing, internal family systems and mindfulness practices.

1. Developing presence to yourself and your relationship with yourself

 

Most people are completely out of touch with how they relate to themselves. This is usually unconscious and so deeply habituated that it either just seems unquestionably true or it operates unchecked out of consciousness (a fish can’t describe the water unless it's been out of the water!)  How we feel and relate to ourselves can entirely dominate us but hide at the same time.  Unless we are attuned to our internal state the way in which we perceive and relate to ourselves hides in plain sight. The way in which we experience ourselves is established very early and essentially remains unchanged unless we successfully learn to nurture it. It can take some time to develop this awareness; often when people first try to get in touch with it, it evades their awareness and they can’t see the forest for the trees. 

 

The first step is not to address or change anything but to become deeply aware of your feelings, your thoughts, what you tell yourself and interpret things and how you are with you.  It is also very helpful to become aware of the different ways your body responds in different situations. It’s not so much the stories that you tell yourself that are important but, more so, becoming present with how your body feels, your emotions and most importantly how you feel about yourself. 

As you do this, it is important to avoid analysis or judgement but to stay with kind and compassionate observation.  Be curious. People are intricately complicated and have developed defence upon defence that we usually don’t understand.   The critical first step is kind presence and observation.  Few of us really understand ourselves so choose to notice and feel everything without solution, analysis or purpose.

 

How we feel and react is all about us.  Our whole personal history is stored in in our bodies and minds and is reflected in our reactions. It can join with us and influence the way we respond when we think we are reacting to something in our current world.  It is important to stop thinking of how you feel and react as being driven by other people and to know that we unknowingly drive everything from deep within ourselves.  Your whole personal history; the wins, losses, traumas, ugliness and beauty, lie within your responses.  When you tune in well, they are all there and need to be heard and acknowledged for what they are really about and what they need from you.

A client who made great progress with this described that once he learnt how to do this he didn’t just develop presence but he came to eagerly welcome his feelings and response, which he had previously avoided. He discovered that warmly welcoming them brought great peace. However uncomfortable they were, he came to see them as an opportunity to become more full as a person and feel more at peace.

 

Some ways to develop presence:

• you might want to sit still, meditate, breath slowly and consciously, journal your thoughts and feelings or do anything that helps you get in touch with yourself. Become aware of your feelings; prejudice, addictions, patterns and sensations within your body and kindly and without judgement notice them.  They are there for a reason and they came from somewhere so get to know them. Acknowledge and welcome them without celebration or judgment.
• Remember that your responses to people and the world are about you. Tune into your strong reactions as they are the clearest window into the depths and complexities of who you are, where you have been in your life and where you need to care for yourself.
• Tune in to your body and welcome all feelings and body responses with curiosity and warmth. Even protective and defensive parts are internal attempts to keep you safe.

 

2. Choose vulnerability

 

The true source of human suffering is often not the things that happen to us but the, usually instinctual, ways we cope that can make things worse, develop their own dysfunction and often are the basis of difficult behaviours and characteristics.  A key adaption of people not feeling safe or ok to truly be themselves is to avoid vulnerability.  Vulnerability is the capacity to be with parts of ourselves that feel weak and usually afraid. While it’s easy to say, many people would have absolutely no experience of what is like to be known for just who they are and would be terrified or not even be able to imagine this.  If we are not vulnerable, we are usually just reacting or operating out of our defences and we can never grow and become a deeper more true version of who we are.

 

When people can comfortably get in touch with their vulnerability (which we all have) things often quickly change or even resolve for people.  It’s the opposite of the unconscious bracing and protection that keeps people stuck.

Our culture often makes this particularly difficult for men and boys as our culture discourages our connection with vulnerability and encourages attributes like being on control and being tough.  Remember that these are just unhelpful cultural ideas and lean in and get to know your vulnerability.

 

Some ways to develop vulnerability are:

• Sit quietly and make space for vulnerable feelings. These might include feeling interior or not knowing what to do.  Remember that we all have these and welcome them in.
• Think back across your life span and remember and honour times that you have been vulnerable. Be ok with this as its normal and we need to be kind to these parts of ourselves.

 

3. Developing authenticity

 

Most people don’t mean to be inauthentic but so much energy goes into fitting into culturally ascribed expectations, conditioning from family and coping mechanisms learnt as a kid, there is often not much space left for people to turn up just as they are.  We are hemmed in by essentially acting out who we think we are meant to be, which is shaped significantly by our culture’s ideas of what we should be like, who we have learnt we are in the families we grew up in and how we adapted to traumatic or negative experiences.  

 

As much as possible, be who you are.  It is often liberating for men to give voice to and be ok that they are often scared and don’t know what is going on and often women can be liberated by being ok that they are angry and spiteful.  There is a lot going on and to be deeply honest with yourself is a liberating experience.  When we learn to give full expression to our true selves, we often start just knowing what to do, become less reactive and more peaceful within ourselves.

 

A good way to look at this is an iceberg analogy.  Above the water line we can see all the feelings and part of ourselves that we are comfortable with and able to be present to and that we allow other people to see.  It’s different for everyone but what we are comfortable to be present to will be shaped by gender, culture, our family history and how we have coped and adapted to the challenges in our lives.  Below the waterline are the parts of ourselves we are not comfortable with, embarrassed by, think are unacceptable or ashamed of and tend to ignore.  Or maybe those parts of ourselves that we are not even aware exist. It’s not that we need to act on or believe these parts of ourselves under the water line but they need to be known, expressed and acknowledged for us to be a fully integrated human. 

 

The opposite of authenticity is hiding away and being ashamed of parts of ourselves significantly drive dysfunction without our awareness.

For me developing authenticity is so much more than just choosing to tell the truth.  It is a life long pursuit to not edit myself to be accepted and to as deeply as possibly be in tune with myself, the world and other people.  The more you do this, the simpler, deeper and more beautiful everything else becomes. The more we hide away with inauthenticity, the more everything else remains stuck.

 

Some ways to develop more authenticity are:

• avoid unconscious acting or unconscious fitting in.
• on your own or with a trusted person in a safe and private space, tune into your feelings and just say exactly how you feel. Don’t have an agenda but just say exactly what comes to your mind.  Go for as long as you like or until you feel you have exhausted the process.  Alternatively, you can do this process on your own in writing if you prefer.

 

4. Expression

 

This is not about insisting on your perspective or imposing your thoughts on others but, instead, leaving concepts of right and wrong behind and giving expression to your feelings and how it is for you.  Remember that how you feel, see things, react, the choices you make and the patterns in your life are really about you and how you are usually processing your experiences, trauma, wins along the way and unconscious coping mechanisms.  With this view, without agenda, choose to express your feelings, thoughts and ultimately you. Some ways people do this is through talking, writing, painting, dancing, singing poetry.  Anything to give voice or expression to the instinctual part of yourself just as you are.  This part of you is more honest and real than the stories people tell themselves which are usually just a layer of self-hatred or how people justify themselves.

 

Don’t believe or disbelieve, just be.

 

Some ways to increase expressing how things are for you are:

• With trusted people in your life, rather than playing it safe, let people know how it is for you. Share your feelings, wins, losses, what you are proud of and what you are ashamed of.  Tune into and share who you really are.
• Participate in pretty much any activity that allows instinctual expression of your feelings. This could include singing, dancing, painting, breaking things or anything that expresses what is inside even if you don’t understand it.

 

5. (The game changer and the main point) Addressing your relationship with yourself and creating self-love

 

Most people are really uncomfortable with this one and it sounds vague and icky.  Some people outright reject this messy overly personal idea and see that they just want to talk about solutions.    Without addressing this, it’s unlikely anything else will change and when you change it, in conjunction with the above four points, everything else can change instinctually and easily. 

 

Whilst the above four points are essential to stop running away from yourself, developing a good relationship with yourself and self-love is truly transformational.

 

Warmly and lovingly embrace yourself just as you are.  This doesn’t mean that you are perfect, better than other people, are always right, don’t have destructive coping mechanisms or destructive habits or haven’t been violent or harmful.  We all get it wrong at times and make mistakes. Like the rest of us, you need love. When you embrace all of yourself and have love and compassion toward yourself, the whole game changes.  Imagine having a friend that spoke to you like you do! You were born into the world as a vulnerable baby needing care and love and nothing has changed.  When you cease your coping adaptions of self-rejection and aligning with the negative views of yourself that you most likely took on as your own and replace it with self-kindness and self-love, the whole thing changes. 

Self-hate or self-loathing is usually an unconscious, complex and counterintuitive attempt at self-protection or survival.  It’s kind of like ‘if I align with these people and negative messages, I strangely feel a bit safer or at least in a bit more control of things’. This is another reason why so many people straight up refuse to consider this powerful step.  If you can’t go there, yet, kindly trust yourself and focus on the first 4 steps and maybe settle for being kind to yourself or nurturing self-respect and see how it goes.  Choosing to love your and respect yourself is a very brave step.

In considering this process of doing things differently, I encourage you to take an approach of being deeply kind to yourself, your past and your future.  We develop the coping strategies usually as kids that end up causing harm further down the track as the best possible way you could come up with to survive with the information and resources you had at the time.  While they may cause harm, they also served you at a time.  Being hard on them won’t help so respect their intent while looking at opportunities to grow and develop where they may no longer be needed or may have less of a hold on you.

Please also note that I very intentionally use the term self-love rather than a more comfortable term for many people like self-respect or liking yourself, even though many men see this term as effeminate and it is probably particularly uncomfortable for people with negative family histories or victims of childhood sexual abuse.  Of course something like self-respect is better than self-hate or self-loathing, but the game changer is when you can get to the point of actual love for yourself.

 

In short, regardless of whether we are aware of it or not or even if we actively deny it exists, our relationship with ourselves underlies how we unconsciously drive our function or dysfunction.  It is shaped from childhood experiences and adaptive or maladaptive coping mechanisms and is the key driver of function or dysfunction.  Put effort into changing this and everything else changes.  If you put effort into changing other things without addressing your relationship with yourself, any change is likely to be shallow and short lived.  Ironically, the more people put energy into denying the existence of their potentially harmful relationship with themselves, the more likely it’s  problematic and their unconscious negative view of themselves is an old defence that needs changing.  Its complicated but self-hate is often a powerful defence mechanism. 

 

Some ways to increase self love are:

• Self hate is usually part of a complex attempt to survive and get by. Whatever mistakes you have made or what ever you wish you had differently, choose to take a kind view of yourself across your life span.  People are usually doing the best they can with the resources and knowledge available so choose kindness to yourself.
• Remember that we are born as vulnerable babies and adapt to our environment and circumstances. Take a view of yourself and your characteristics that you are vulnerable and imperfect like everyone else and choose kindness and love.
• Respect your responses and vulnerabilities. They are all based on protection so love for their intent and nurture them.

 

From here, there is no need to try to fix or address any specific issue or relationships and trying to will probably just cause frustration, result in more of the same pattern repeating or possibly make things worse. If you invest in the above five points, your mind will intuitively process your experiences more easily and you will find peace and reactively settles. You will return to a more natural state, similar to before we were impacted by unhelpful cultural ideas or your adaption to your difficulties. You will just know what to do and feel great because you have yourself back and are there for yourself.  If you stick with this in the long term, you will become increasingly and more richly truly yourself through the years and decades.

 

The opposite of these five points is what I call the culturally shaped unconscious cover up.  This is what we instinctually do to fit in, get by or to avoid what feels difficult or unbearable.  When people do this, it’s not that people are doing anything wrong, they are just trying to get by but it does keep people stuck and drives dysfunction.

 

Where I see counselling fitting into this is not for the therapist to solve problems or to listen like a priest in confession but, instead, to guide and support clients through the blocks and barriers to addressing the above elements.  This takes incredible courage and it often flies in the face of how people cope.  For many people, self-love seems a ludicrous and impossible concept.  If so, think of a new baby and it usually becomes clear that we all need love and that we all deserve it.

The journey of adapting these ideas has peaks and troughs.  At times you feel magical and liberated and at other times you can feel overwhelmed by old patterns and feelings. If you stick with it, you will effortlessly know what to do.  Things will fall into place no matter what turns up in life.

 

By sticking with these five points as much as possible and avoiding the coverup, things will sort themselves out of their own accord and you will become more fully yourself and less of your stuck adaptations and coping.  Hold on for the ride.

 

Be nice to yourself. No, seriously do.  Tune in, listen, choose love and empathy and the whole thing will seemingly magically, joyously go beautifully from there.